Peevish Pensioners

June 29, 2006 at 12:26 pm | In Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

A friend who has been away travelling for six months returned home last week. Her aged father had not wanted her to go away at all so on her return she put aside personal needs and hoofed it back to her ancestral home. To her utter astonishment the old man did not enquire as to her well being or about her adventures in the Far East, Antipodes and Americas but proceeded to rattle on about his own (dull) existence. As she was recounting the misery of the visit it occured to me that his behaviour was far from unusual. Indeed I’d argue it was typical of the over 70s. Let’s face it how many times have you visited an older relative to spend two hours sat in an overheated room, sipping sweet tea listening to them narrate, in miniscule detail, the story of the operation that Mrs Jones from next door but two’s daughter (who you have never met) had on her gammy knee? Or something similar? Not only are some older people cantankerous old buggers they are self-absorbed and parochial in the extreme. Worse of all, they can be as boring as hell.

I have made my husband promise to organise my immediate euthanasia if I display any symptoms of becoming a self-obsessed old girl. Anyway, less about the old folk let’s get back to more interesting subjects, me…

Eat your heart out skinnies, baggies are back

June 23, 2006 at 9:15 am | In Fashion & Beauty | Leave a Comment

How I cheered when I read recently that skinny jeans are on the way out and that the boy-cuts’ star was in the ascendancy on planet fashion. Since the rise of skinny jeans the generational divide, leg wear wise, has been clearly marked. A few short years ago it was (almost) impossible to age a woman by her choice of denim – not so in the past couple. No mature woman of right mind larger than a size 6, except a blessed few including Kate Moss, would dare to venture out in a pair. Unforgiving and uncomfortable only fashion slaves in desperate need of an eye test and the criminally insane ventured into skinny territory. And let’s face it there’s a clue in the name, though really skinny would have been more descriptive. I have never felt more gargantuan than when, in a moment of utter madness, I tried on a pair of skinnies. Teenagers look fab in them even (strangely) those who commit the now unforgivable crime of being larger than a size 12. It’s their youth that allows them to carry skinnies off. Young fat is firm fat and older fat wobbles in a distinctly different, and much more unattractive, way.

So hurrah, hurrah for fickle fashion. Skinnies out, baggies in. I’ve been the proud owner of a pair of Top Shop boy cuts for two years now and they are without a doubt my favourite pair of jeans. I wear them a zillion times more than my boot cuts, straight legs, cropped, knee highs and so on. Comfortable, flattering and now edgy – what more could a mature girl want! Oh, banishment to fashion wilderness for leggings…

Football Crazy, Football Mad

June 20, 2006 at 9:10 am | In Entertainment | Leave a Comment

I am so bloody excited about my new blog that it’s verging on the tragic. Unless it’s my excitement at the forthcoming England match that’s spilling over into other aspects of my (desperately unexciting) life.  Still haven’t done the mountain of washing up downstairs so perhaps not… The Beautiful Game – yes, once every four years I rediscover the artistry, grace and awesome loveliness of football, or is that footballers?  I love David Beckham. His talent, his style, even his peculiar little voice. But I love the World Cup more.  I love the excuse to loll around watching loads of telly, hollering and shouting at the top of my voice, drinking beer and behaving like a bloke.  I love the rampant tribalism, the feeling of being part of a great big, massive gang with a mutual goal (sorry), the heady optimism of believing that we stand a chance of holding that little gold cup aloft.  Although as my 7 year old son pointed out the other day, it’s not a cup at all, rather more like a strange tasteless ornament that your gran might once have proudly displayed on her sideboard.  Whatever, it’s what the thing represents that counts.  So what exactly does it represent?  The best in the world?  The luckiest in the world? And does it really matter? Well of course not, in the grand scheme of things – as, say, compared to global warming, the conflict in the Middle East, child abuse and so on.  However, it’s bloody good fun and I’m all for that.  There’s not enough of it around.  Likewise optimism and community spirit.  It’s not often we get to feel like we’re part of something bigger than ourselves, we’re all rather insular these days, and big footie competitions like the World Cup have the potential to bring us all together, albeit in a small way. And OK, it’s a total illusion – one that we’re all complicit in – but an injection of magic and faith into our lives is all right by me.  As is the bonhomie. I enjoy chance conversations with complete strangers, the nod and wink you get from others who wear their (English) hearts on their sleeves, hats, cars and even flips flops.  Yes flip flops. I saw flip flops in the shop window of Primark yesterday with soles decorated with the St George cross.  What a gas. It’s rare for us Brits to speak with fellow members of the human race on buses, tubes, in the supermarket etc. unless the weather is uncommonly rubbish or good and I’m all for anything that gets us doing more of that.  The World Cup also facilitates pride in England and Englishness – an elusive quality most of the time – and during the World Cup Englishness is defined by our national team and their achievements.  It’s also been defined by the behaviour of our fans but let’s put the distasteful aspects to one side for a moment.  Like the trophy itself the World Cup competition throws off a warm, golden light.  It casts a spell.  A trick of a tournament.  We are one nation, one community.  We are great.  At least until we get knocked out following a penalty shoot out.  Ouch. COME ON ENGLAND!

Scorpion Scribbles – Overdeveloped Arm Syndrome

June 16, 2006 at 10:18 am | In On being a mother | Leave a Comment

Am I the only mother to suffer from this affliction?  Getting back into some kind of shape after the birth of a baby is a priority for many women. That and getting some sleep and time to ourselves (ha ha).  But whilst we’re focussing on our tums, bums and boobs all kinds of weird things could be happening to other, often neglected, areas of our bodies.I imagine my problem is mostly confined to women who, like me, have produced more than one thumping big baby. Both sons’ birth weights topped the 8lbs mark – my first boy was closer to 9lbs and my second only missed such dizzy heights because he was whipped out two weeks early. As toddlers they were best described as ‘solid’.  Lugging them here, there and everywhere meant that there was no need to focus, exercise wise, on the upper arm area.  They were weight training in themselves.  In fact my youngest isn’t quite three so I’m still hauling him round when he decides that his (chubby) little legs cannot walk any further.  He rarely gets into his buggy these days. So what’s your problem you may be asking?  Well, the easiest way to cart a small child round is to plonk him or her on your hip and support their back with your arm.  As with other things, like handwriting, I tend to favour one side.  And though I do shift them to the opposite side on occasion this is usually only once chronic stitch has set in.  I’m right handed, or right sided, and I have noticed that my right arm, bicep to be precise, is considerably larger than my left.  I’m lop-armed. When I pointed this out to my fella he confirmed my fears, laughed and commented that I now resemble a Russian shot-putter.  Actually, it was me that made the Russian shot-putter reference but the point is he didn’t deny it. My dilemma is whether or not to try and work my left arm up to the same level of beefiness as my right for balance?  Or stick to wearing three quarter length sleeves in dark colours to disguise my problem?  Much as I admire the fabulous Mrs Ritchie I really don’t want to be as muscle bound as she is in any area of my body. And whilst I’ve been obsessing about my chunky arm my stomach has started developing too – outwards.  Yikes!

Scribbles from a Scorpion

June 15, 2006 at 6:41 pm | In Uncategorized | 1 Comment

My first attempt at blogging – check in, check out, respond if you feel like it. I'd love to hear from someone, anyone…here goes… 

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